This story follows on from the disturbing sleepover moment I had the night before which you can read about HERE. The boys were all cranky in the morning, so I took the friends home and our family had a gentle day at home.
Please note, this story does include blood talk, so proceed if you dare.
For context, I'd been journeying with more frequent bleeds in peri menopause for a couple of years now. That said, this also coincides with many women's cycles being affected by the global injection campaign that started in 2021, so I was unsure what was causing my irregularity. Although I did not receive the injection myself, I'd occasionally been around people who did. And plus, it's just kind of 'out there' in the collective in a big way at the moment. That's a different story...
My bleed (period) had started on New Years Eve, only 2 weeks after my last one. Previous to that, I'd had a few frequent bleeds, so I'd been tuning into my body and listening to the messages from my womb. I was also fresh out of facilitating the 'Cosmic Womb Activation' where I guided women more deeply into their womb, to see how we are all energetically interconnected with the great cosmic womb of the earth, our creative portal of life. When viewed energetically, it's like a mycellium network of interconnected energy grids, similar to the pulsing tree energy from Avatar that connects the tribe together.
Listening to my womb, and guiding other women into the wisdom in their wombs and the earth, is a key part of my life's work.
After the stress of the day before, an interrupted night's sleep and a slow, tired day, it was finally time to go to bed. After brushing my teeth, I sat on the toilet, and felt something moving through my vagina. A clot came out and plopped into the toilet. It was large enough that my body needed to stretch to let it through.
That was unexpected, but I took it in my stride and put on my largest night pad in case more blood flowed. I went to bed in the Temple, as I needed peace and quiet.
In the morning I was woken up by an itchy feeling on the crease of my bikini line area, then noticed blood had totally soaked through my pad. Blood dripped onto the bed sheets and floor when I got up. Oh.
I grabbed a hand towel and held it between my legs to catch the blood, and hobbled up to the bathroom. When I sat down on the toilet, more clots came out. Blood was literally trickling out of me along with the clots. The blood dribbling into the toilet was so constant, it sounded like a wee.
I moved from the toilet to the shower so I could clean myself off. That's when I noticed there was a tick buried in my bikini line area, which had caused the itching. I was able to grab it and pull it out with my fingernails first try. Interesting, I thought, as I have encountered ticks before when my energy was being 'sucked' in some way. There is much more going on than meets the eye when you view life through a shamanic, interconnected lens.
There was a constant flow of blood in the shower, trickling down my legs, along with big clots falling out of me. I needed to squash the clots with my foot, rubbing them over the drain hole to push them through. The water swirling on the bathroom floor was deep red, reminding me of the first shower I had after Luna was born, 20 years before.
Holy shit I am not prepared for this, I thought.
As much as I love my cloth pads, I realised I needed to get some heavy duty overnight incontinence pads, because I didn't have a pad big enough to catch all this blood. Even my big post partum pads would not do this job. There was a lot of blood flowing out of me.
Brett was out for a bike ride, so I thought I’d do a quick trip to the shop to get myself some heavy duty pads.
When I got out the shower, I knew I couldn't rely on my cloth pads for this, so I folded a hand towel, then wedged it inside my knickers. Draped across the crotch area, it was quite cumbersome, with each end of the towel hanging down between my thighs. That should do it, I thought.
Even if it meant I needed to sacrifice this pair of knickers. They were very over-stretched.
After putting my red dress on, I tied a black hoodie around my waist to cover things from behind, to disguise any bulk or leakage.
So, with towel wedged between my legs, I got in the car and drove a few minutes to the supermarket. I parked the car, and got out. As soon as I stood up, I felt a couple of big clots fall out, so I wedged my thighs close together to hold everything in, and started walking toward the supermarket doors.
There were various things on my list, but as soon as I started walking, i could feel the moisture between my legs and knew I needed to make this quick. Get in. Get out.
As I entered through the glass sliding doors, I could feel more blood clots accumulating in my vagina. It's feeling quite full down there, so I squeezed my legs together to keep it in.
I think I held my breath too.
After grabbing some butter, I decided to forget the other things on the list and head straight to the pad section. After some moments browsing, I found the heavy duty bottom shelf incontinence pads. I didn't know anything about them, so I picked up 2 different brands, the largest packets of each, and decide to get out of there.
I can feel the towel soaking, and my vagina expanding, filling up with clots. On the edge of spilling everywhere, I'm starting to think this is a very bad idea coming to the shops.
With my pads and butter, I make a beeline for the checkout. I walk slowly, cautiously keeping my towel wedged between my legs so the clots don't overflow. This would be way worse than when my yoni egg fell out, I thought. That's another story for another time.
By this stage, I was walking with one hand casually placed behind my bum because it somehow made me feel safer. If anyone was watching me they would have wondered what the fuck is this woman doing.
Hold it together, I think to myself. I breathe and focus my attention on keeping the blood held between my legs, while also half envisioning a big red splash spilling all over the supermarket floor.
I shuffle over to the checkout slowly, and purchase my things.
Toward the door... through the car park. I kept it together.
"I made it," I sighed when I finally sat in the car. Okay. Get home.
When I got home, while still in the car, I noticed I had soaked completely through the towel, my dress, my hoodie and onto the car seat. Holy shit... that's a lot of blood. I wonder how much? So I go inside, drop my things, grab a stainless steel mixing bowl and head straight to the bathroom.
I could finally assess the situation. I lifted up my dress to see that my knickers, hand towel and everything was saturated with blood. I put the metal bowl in the bath, climbed in, squatted over it and awkwardly tipped the contents of the towel into it. There were sploshes of blood and what looked like chunks of flesh, a pile of huge clots over 3 inches each, and blood was literally trickling out of me into the bowl.
Whoa. That's a lot of blood, I thought.
I squat over the bowl for a bit... in my surreal state I don't know how long, maybe 5 minutes, maybe more.... I wanted to know how much blood I was losing.
I realised I didn't have my supersized pads with me as I'd dropped my bag on the floor when I first came into the house, so I grabbed a towel, stood up, and with a towel held under me, waddled over to the toilet. I sat on the toilet while blood kept trickling out of me, and I could feel clots passing through me, splashing into the toilet.
I was remarkably calm observing this situation. I was starting to feel light headed and needed to sit down on the floor.
I dropped the bath towel I was holding to the ground, and lowered myself to the floor. The blood kept pouring out of me, soaking into the towel.
Keep in mind, this whole time I have zero pain or any sensation of discomfort in my womb, besides the stretching feeling when the big clots passed through. There is nothing that inherently felt 'wrong', nor was there a single fibre of my being that remotely considered medical intervention. I trust life, and I honour death as a natural part of the life cycle.
At this point, sitting on the floor with copious amounts of blood flowing out of me, I surrender and rest into being held by the great mother.
Time stands still. I zoom out and have a birds-eye view of my life. I scan the situation, tune into each child and feel satisfied that they are each sorted in their own ways, Lotus has her place, Luna can help with Zenon, Brett is capable, and the Temple has been developed enough for others to take it from here... I acknowledge that if I'm not here, it would be a genuine loss and upsetting for those around me, but I have raised my children well, I've created strong foundations and structures for my work that can go on.
I feel deep satisfaction with my life and am at peace with death.
This all happens in a few split seconds.
Birth, death and cycles of transformation are realms I journey with, having had multiple ego deaths and dissolving into the universe experiences. Journeying consciously with the blood mysteries for decades, every cycle is the opportunity to die and be born again. I know death is not the end, it's a transition, and there is the most incredible freedom in knowing that, because fear is dissolved and I trust life to hold me.
At this point, I'm transported to a parallel moment 20 years ago when I experienced another death of sorts. I was birthing Luna, my first rite of passage into motherhood. At home on the bed, I was on all fours, moving, moaning and breathing as the birth rushes got stronger and stronger. At one point, the sensations were so powerful, it felt like an ocean crashing over me.
This birth energy was frighteningly more powerful than me. I'd never felt anything like this. I had a choice. It was at this point that I realised I'd been relatively 'in control' of my life until now. I could either panic, try to control things and call for help, or I could let go and surrender into it. I chose to surrender and trust life. If I die, I die. So be it. I cried and energetically cracked open even deeper into the cosmic portal of death, and birth.
This level of surrender, trusting life and trusting death, is so deep. It is true union with god, goddess, knowing there is a higher intelligence to it all, and life flows where it is meant to. This is a fundamental key to trusting birth, and accepting death as holy too. I am not in control if it. The level of peace and beauty I feel around this is profound.
Not many people really get it.
Coming back into the bathroom I cried... letting go... in a puddle of red on the floor.
I prayed to the goddess to hold me, guide me.
This is bigger than me.
I could feel the great mother with me. She is me. I am her.
I feel deep relaxation and trust... resting into feeling held by life itself.
After a while, the tears stopped flowing and I realised I was still alive, and I needed to lie down in bed.
I called Luna to bring my pads. I got dressed, put on a pad, grabbed a fresh towel and went into the dark bedroom. I placed the towel down on the bed, and lie down and felt so alone.
Where is my fucking village? Where are my wise women? And I cried at the lack of this in our culture... I have ancient memories of village in my cells.
We need to bring it back.
I knew that this was part of my mission in this lifetime, to bring back the wise women and healers into our communities so we can all receive the care and support we need beyond the current medical options most people opt for.
Then I remembered... my wise woman friend Chaitanya. I took a breath and called her. When she answered, my tears flowed again. I took a moment to gather myself and share what was happening. Her voice was so soothing and loving on the other side of the phone. It was all I needed, to connect with a sister, to know I wasn't alone. We spoke about excess heat, needing deep rest and just lying down to slow the bleeding. She said she'd find out more...
I knew my body was doing exactly what she needs to do. After all, I had literally given permission for the earth to use me as a vessel for the flourishing of life.
My beautiful wise friend Mara had shared a transmission from Oracle Girl with me that said:
"A woman releases the processed negative imprints of the earth body during menstruation."
There is such an insane level of purging happening on this planet.
In the words of my Teacher and wise woman friend, Jane Hardwicke Collings, we are the women the earth needs now.
And I'm delighted to share that my wise women friends are around me. I've had sisters bringing me herbs, remedies, gifts, wisdom. We really do need a village.
This has anchored in my purpose so much deeper.
With so much blood loss, although I had no interest in calling an ambulance, I was actively connecting with my body to listen to the wisdom and did a Shamanic Journey into my Womb that you can read HERE.
And a few days later, wrote about Trusting Women's Mysteries HERE.
The story continues...